A case study on how I feel about three men.
First, there is the BFF. He’s one of my oldest friends and I adore him. We laugh constantly, he’s smart, he’s grounded, and his only fault (as far as I’m concerned) is that he dates PYTs. They’re usually blonde. His currently girlfriend (whom he professed to be “about to dump” 3 months ago), rags on him nearly constantly. She’s young and likes attention and seems to like him mostly because he likes her, not because she actually enjoys his personality.
Even when the BFF is single, I don’t flirt or ask him out because he is extremely fit (like, runs 8 miles a day fit) and I assume he’ll want nothing to do with me.
Then, there is the almost-ex. We dated for a blink last summer. He’s quiet and thoughtful. He doesn’t challenge me or make me laugh like the BFF, but he’s sweet and considerate. He treated me well. He’s overweight. He has been in touch lately, and I’ve been thinking about dating him again. I am confident and comfortable around him because I don’t worry about him finding me attractive.
Lastly, there’s the new guy. I met him last week at a party. He’s smart as a whip and funny, but I got the impression that he didn’t hear that enough when he was young. He chews tobacco and works a crappy hourly job even though he’s in his 30s. I suspect he drinks too much. He made a joke that he’s a bad influence on himself and he needs someone to clean him up. I was smitten by his humor and charm. As a professional, self-reliant, successful woman with her life mostly in order, I should be dismissing this guy out of hand for being a mess. Instead, I’m considering him not an option because I assume he won’t find me attractive.
Obviously, this is a gross over simplification. None of my feelings for any of these guys is that simple. BFF has a habit of being in shitty relationships with these PYTs and I don’t want to be in a shitty relationship. Almost-ex is the sort of guy who would be on board with self-improvement and would probably come along on this journey with me. And if I really thought the new guy wasn’t an option, I wouldn’t be spending so much time thinking about the new guy.
It’s interesting, though. What it keeps coming around to is that I feel like I don’t want to settle for the guy who drinks too much or the guy who isn’t that funny, but I’m asking each of them to settle for the girl who’s fat. Is that fair? And is it even really settling, or is it just admitting that no one is perfect?