On choosing whom to disappoint

07 Dec

I have a friend who is sort of needy. She’s lovely, but she tends to have one close friend at a time. She expects that one person to meet all of her friendship needs. Right now, I’m that friend. If she wants to go to a concert and I can’t go, she skips it. She doesn’t go to her favorite restaurant without me or watch the movie she wants to watch. Occasionally, she will let her husband sub in, but he is pretty busy meeting all of her husband expectations.

I love this friend dearly. She’s sweet and kind and thoughtful. However, she is also one to lay on the guilt pretty thick. Most recently, she wants to get dinner. She has a specific restaurant in mind and it really is a fantastic place. The problem for me is that it offers about 5 entrees, all of which are heavy on the carbs.

In the past, I have sometimes mentioned to her when I was avoiding certain foods or drinks for whatever reason, and she tends to adopt that as being her business. For example, I was avoiding gluten for a while not to lose weight but just because I’ve heard some bad stuff about it and thought I’d see what happened. For her birthday, she had her husband make a gluten-free cake. At the time, I was actually eating a paleo diet, which also meant avoiding a lot of the other stuff in the cake, but she hadn’t registered that part and had just decided that this was the perfect cake for me.

She means well, obviously. The result of this kind of concern, though, is that I sometimes end up having to explain everything I’m eating. For example, if I were to tell her right now that I’m avoiding carbs, she’d probably make a delicious salad with nuts and fruits and cheeses and a nice vinaigrette, because she considers fruits and nuts healthy carbs. I’m sure you see what I mean.

And, if I said I didn’t want to go to this specific restaurant, I’d give it even odds that she’d either make it her mission to pick a different restaurant for me or try to convince me to have a “treat night.”

In all honesty, right now I’m really enjoying making myself dinner every night. I have come up with some fantastic meals and I feel great afterward. It seems like I should be able to invite her over, but she is dead set on going out. To be fair to her, some of this is because she is due to have her 2nd baby in a couple of months and she wants to fit in her going-out time now.

My instinct is to go out with her. I don’t like disappointing people and she’s a dear friend at an important point in her life.

I am remembering, though, that I did not put her in this position and it is not my responsibility to make sure she gets out as much as she wants to. My goal for next year is to internalize the belief that it is not my job to fix everyone else’s lives. It is my job to fix my life.

I originally agreed to dinner in early January and I will stick to that. By then, I can come up with some sort of strategy for this restaurant. I realized earlier today that I unexpectedly have tonight open. She was very disappointed that I couldn’t get together on a weekend in December, so I thought about sending her a text saying I’m free.

Then I pictured it. I would go to the restaurant, order whatever I could find that was on the menu and do my best with it. And then tomorrow, I’d have a “0” in my “days since” line again and I’d feel gross and I’d regret the meal. I’d be disappointed in myself.

Tonight, I will go home and cook myself a lovely dinner. (I have an avocado waiting for me and I’m stoked to slice it open.) Then I will continue with the Friday I want. I will clean my house and write Christmas cards and have some warm tea. Tonight and in the morning, I will be pleased with myself. She will still be disappointed that we didn’t find a weekend day in December, but that is not my problem.

It has been 3 day(s) since I’ve eaten not-allowed carbs.*
Current Weight: 182

*I know my December 6 post says 1 day, but that was actually written on the 5th and published late. It has been 3 days.


Posted by on December 7, 2012 in weight loss


2 responses to “On choosing whom to disappoint

  1. verybusysupermumma

    December 12, 2012 at 5:07 pm

    I know how you feel. I have been doing minimal carbs (from the obvious sources of bread and pasta) and was invited out to dine on indian. I love Indian – but it doesn’t love me. It’s carbs, cooked in fat, surrounded by fat and add a bit more fat. The easiest option, for me, was to skip the meal. It does bother me to miss out on catching up with my friends – but I can do that over a cup of tea and not have the guilts about it.
    I agree with you whole heartedly – I’m on MY journey -I’m not stopping anyone from having their journey. I need to do what’s right for me.
    Enjoy reading your posts.

    • bombolatty

      December 12, 2012 at 10:35 pm

      Yes. And Indian food. Ohhh, how delicious. I am always hungry an hour after I eat it, though. I hope you got your cup of tea!


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